How the Body Carries Loss

Why can grief make us physically unable to stand? 

Grief is the “natural all - encompassing response to loss”. This loss can refer to the death of a loved one or any significant life change. Grief not only affects people emotionally and mentally, but physically as well. 

Grief is often described as an emotional response to loss, but I think that definition falls short. Grief is physical. It lives in the body. Why else would heartbreak feel like an actual ache in the chest? Why would devastating news cause someone’s knees to buckle? Why would a person become so overwhelmed by loss that they are physically unable to stand?

Over the years as I’ve matured, I’ve grown to develop a stronger mind-body connection. I’ve experienced grief many times before. But recently, I’ve not only experienced it— I slowed down enough to study and understand it. I had seen what grief could do to a person’s body. I remember having to hold my grandmother upright at her son’s—my Uncle Maui’s funeral. The sorrow was so heavy that her body seemed unable to carry it alone. At the time, I understood what I was seeing, but I did not fully understand what she was feeling. That changed Wednesday morning. Around 4 a.m., I received a phone call with the devastating news that my nine-year-old cousin and his father had died in a car accident. For nearly an hour, I lay awake in bed staring into the darkness. Shock and disbelief coursed through my body. My mind struggled to make sense of what I had just heard. 

Eventually, I decided to get up. The moment my feet touched the floor, something shifted. My heart sank into my chest. A heaviness spread from my chest throughout my body. For a brief moment, I was paralyzed by sadness. It was as if my body had finally caught up to what my ears had heard. What do you mean I won’t see him again? What do you mean I won’t hear his voice? No more hugs. No more smiles. No more laughter. No more opportunities to create new memories. Just like that, the world had changed. And suddenly I understood what grief feels like when it becomes too heavy to carry. 

Throughout the next few days, I gained new insights into how the human body carries loss and how grief manifests physically. One of my family members had thrown up after they heard the news. That was then followed by loss of appetite. The first night, my family and I collapsed with exhaustion. But with exhaustion also came the inability to properly rest and recover at night— in came the tossing and turning. At one point, I felt complete numbness. My mind felt like it was trying to avoid the pain. I could feel the sadness deep within my body, but it seemed trapped beneath a layer of numbness.

With all of these physical sensations that accompany grief, I am reminded that the body understands tragedy before the mind accepts it. The mind often tries to deny what the body already knows. If we can tell ourselves another story, the pain may loosen its grip. But grief is not just what we think or don’t think, it is what our bodies feel. Our bodies are going to feel the emotions whether we want them to or not. If these emotions are not properly expressed then physical ailments can begin to manifest in the body. 

I’ve learned to move through my emotions in whatever way feels best for me. Sometimes it helps to grieve alongside others. Other times, solitude feels more healing. Regardless of how grief shows up, I have learned that it cannot be rushed, ignored, or reasoned away. It asks to be felt— completely. And once it is felt, I am reminded that grief and resilience often exist side by side. While grief asks us to slow down and honor our pain, resilience gently reminds us to keep caring for ourselves. During times of sorrow, it is easy to neglect our needs. Yet the basics become even more important: nourishment, movement, sunlight, spiritual practices, and community.

Adelante. Forward. Ahead. As we miss our loved ones and feel melancholy, the gentle flicker of hope shines upon us. There is a way forward.

As my family navigates these devastating losses, I hope we all remember that we are not alone. Grief is a natural response to love, and love is woven throughout every stage of the journey. The cycle of life can be tragic and unpredictable, but it is also filled with beauty, connection, and joy. Grief is love with nowhere to go. Do not judge or shame the heaviness. It is simply proof of how deeply you loved. 

In loving memory of Nick and Dominic McWhirter